I'm a big fan of the TV series NCIS. But sometimes it really makes me laugh.

For those that don't know, the series follows the exploits of a 
fictional team working for the US Navel Criminal Investigative Service. 
Considering it's a show about people who investigate murders and other 
violent crimes, it's actually surprisingly humorous. Naturally every 
investigation is different, and the guy who did it is never, ever who 
you think it was.

The characters are pretty much what you'd expect:

- There's the team leader, the intense, silent authority figure that 
everybody both fears and deeply respects. He has a strong sense of moral 
justice and can be guaranteed to always do what's right, regardless of 
what the rule book says. He can read people like a book, he knows how to 
make people talk, and he always figures it out before everybody else 
does. Being an older guy, he is completely inept with any technology 
more modern than a telephone.

- There's the wildcard. The smug, annoying, arrogant self-important 
jerk. Always wisecracking, always quoting obscure movie references. He 
thinks he is The Big, Mr Big, The Cool Guy. And the ladies are always 
all over him - as he constantly reminds everybody, every three seconds. 
In short, he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And yet, everybody 
really likes him, for no defined reason.

- There's the obligatory computer nerd. He can crack any cipher, and 
hack any computer system. (Unless it doesn't suit the script writer for 
today's episode.) Naturally, the guy is a high-calibre wimp. Oh, he will 
tackle people to the ground. But somehow he manages to make even that 
look wimpy. And he's really easy to intimidate. (Although, there was 
that one episode... nevermind.)

- There's the Israeli girl on loan from Mossad. She's very beautiful 
(but not stereotypically so), absurdly dangerous in close combat, and 
fiercely loyal. Highly intelligent, exquisitely skilled in observation 
and deception. In her country, when a suspect is interviewed, the 
interview does not always end with the suspect still alive. (Apparently 
that's illegal somehow in America.) She speaks a dozen languages, yet 
seems oddly unfamiliar with American customs. Stereotypically, she is 
forever getting various figures of speech wrong. ("Does a bear sit in 
the woods?")

- The medical examiner, an old wise man with a degree in psychology and 
a stereotypical English accent. He talks to the dead people he dissects, 
and has a strong tendency to conclude almost every observation with 
"...you know, this reminds me of my days at XYZ when a rather unusual 
event occurred. Yes, it was -" Uh, dude, this case??

- The ME's enthusiastic, bright, but inexperienced assistant.

- The forensic scientist and ballistics expert. She's a goth. She sleeps 
in a coffin and struts around a lab wearing the most ridiculous outfits 
under her lab coat. Obviously, she's brilliant at her job. She's also a 
big-time computer nerd, and apparently cannot function correctly without 
a constant supply of a mysterious substance known as "Caf-Pow".

If you look at that list for more than a few seconds, it ought to be 
obvious that all of these people are /highly/ unsuitable for working at 
NCIS. I don't care how much of a forensics genius you are, if you dress 
like something out of a comic book and are prone to highly impulsive 
behaviour, you wouldn't be hired to work in a criminal laboratory. And 
if you disregard the rules every time you think justice isn't being done 
right, you won't be in your job very long, much less the leader of an 
investigation team.

Throughout the series, the team leader also has various highly 
implausible alliances and confrontations with the Director of NCIS (a 
post that has been filled by several actors to date), the Secretary of 
the Navy, and various shadowy FBI figures.

So, this is fiction, right? But it's entertaining fiction.

Sometimes I have to wonder though... Who is their scientific advisor? 
And do they know what they're talking about?

A few specific tips:

- CCTV footage does *not* look exactly the same as studio camera footage 
but with a bit of extra static added in post-production. It looks grainy 
and unrecognisable, and it's usually black and white. :-P

- You *cannot* take CCTV footage, enlarge it 20x, "run an imagine 
enhancement algorithm" and then read a car numberplate from 300 yards. 
It doesn't work like that. (Amusingly, this trick only works when it 
furthers the plot. When the script writers don't want the killer to be 
found yet, mysteriously the picture can't quite be enhanced enough to be 
readable...)

- Examining a secret hidden radio transmitter does *not* allow you to 
"triangulate" where the receiver is. It also does *not* matter whether 
the transmitter is active or not while you do this. Having multiple such 
transmitters also does *not* help.

- You do *not* need two independent Internet data streams directed at 
the same destination to "triangulate" where that destination is.

- IP addresses are generally *not* "registered" to individual human 
beings in the same way that telephone numbers are. Generally they are 
just registered to your ISP (for home customers) or your employer (if 
you're doing this from your place of work).

- If an attacker is "marking their signal by bouncing it off proxy 
servers all over the world", the geographic locations of those servers 
do not magically pop up on a world map when you try to "backtrace the 
signal".

- A pillow is not the same as a gun silencer.

- Even silenced guns are still PRETTY DAMNED LOUD.

- There is no such thing as "a steganography detection algorithm". 
That's kind of the entire *point* of steganography; you can't detect it.

- "DAMN! The files are password-protected. Hmm... I know! Password 
cracker!" This is *not* a brilliant logical deduction. This is basic 
standard operating procedure for any computer forensics department. They 
do this stuff every single day, for goodness' sake!

- If you "upload the firmware" from a device onto your computer, it 
*canoot* infect your computer with a virus that secretly steals your 
data or modifies computer evidence. You see, a virus doesn't *do* 
anything - anything at all - unless you actually *run* it. Any 
half-competent computer forensics expert wouldn't make such a mistake. 
Plus the "firmware" on a device is usually not runnable on a desktop PC 
in the first place. (Not that this prevents hiding a PC virus somewhere 
inside the firmware image...)

Also, something bothers me: I'm PRETTY SURE that if a suspect refuses to 
give you a DNA sample, then you CANNOT simply offer them a drink, and 
then lift their fingerprints and DNA from the glass afterwards. It 
strikes me that there must be some kind of LAW against that kind of 
thing. (Otherwise why would you even need consent in the first place?)

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