> Hi(gh)!
>
> On 05.12.2011 00:25, stbenge wrote:
>
>> Sorry to hear that. I too suffer from a mental disorder, though for me
>> it's an emotional imbalance that makes regular work and extended periods
>> of social activity impossible.
>
> Similar with me... with a strong depressive (not major depression) and
> OCD component during the last years,

Yeah. For me the depression is often much worse than any mania/hypomania 
I might encounter, though the condition as a whole is still alarming, so 
I continue taking my meds (whatever that might entail) to prevent the 
scales from being tipped too far. Most typical antidepressant 
medications are not good for bipolar individuals.

And talk about OCD... back when I used to drive a vehicle I would 
constantly look out my side mirrors to make sure that I wasn't dragging 
a rope or bungee cord that somehow got tangled up with a pedestrian 
(yeah, I hear a lot of people laughing at this). This became a big 
worry, and I even had to get out and check to make sure that this (very 
unlikely) scenario had not in fact occurred. Being OCD is like seeing 
every possibility and trying to account for each and every one. Not fun 
at all :(

> probably arising from the my
> increasing realization of the wide gap between my ambitions (also when
> it comes to raytracing!) and my real abilities, thus reducing my
> abilities furthermore.

Most of my family has given up trying to understand just what it is I'm 
doing with my free time. I try to explain 6502 programming to people, 
and I receive only blank stares. I tell them that I'm hacking Nintendo 
games, and I tell them about hexadecimal and opcodes, but of course such 
technical info is only comprehended only by those poor souls (such as 
myself) who wish to learn it. Sometimes I feel like a "nerd's nerd:" a 
person that can't even be classified with regular nerds at all.

>> If I had to pick a singular lucrative
>> occupation, it would be mining minerals in small claims. Nobody out
>> there to bug me, no deadlines (except those I would impose upon myself)
>> to make me go crazy :)
>
> Currently, I feel not able to work at all... at 42 (and almost 280 lbs),
> it feels like sitting in my wohnklo (a German slang word for a small
> apartment) and waiting for death, with nothing to expect from life
> anymore... I realize that with this condition (and being out of the
> world of labour so long, and even that was only a part-time job back
> then) I'll never anymore will have the chance of earning a living on my
> own (unless I break a lotto jackpot)! Bye-bye, cycling to Afghanistan,
> bye-bye musical career as a synthesizer whizkid (the Larry Fast/Vangelis
> of the 21st century or so... I would have had to start it seriously at
> least 20 years ago!),

Hey Yadgar, you don't need to do *everything*, only those things you 
find most interesting. Your dreams tell you where your heart lies!

~Sam

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