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So all the relationship self-help resources tell you that dance classes
are an excellent way to meet young, single girls who are just dying for
somebody to dance with, because there's never enough men at these things.
That being the case, last year I signed up for some dance classes. You
will be unsurprised to learn that the utopian picture painted above is
not, in fact, true. Almost everybody in the room is married with
children or even grand-children. The ladies who have come by themselves
are also married, it's just that their husbands aren't interested in
learning to dance, or they work the wrong hours and so can't attend.
Very occasionally a cute young girl and her equally handsom boyfriend
will turn up, but they generally don't hand around long.
Seriously, when I attended my first dance class, I walked in and felt
like a toddler at a grown-ups dinner party.
Still, as the old saying goes, "there's no strangers in here, but that
guy in the corner with the blue raincoat enjoys stroking pigeons far
more than most people would consider healthy."
What was I talking about? Oh, right, dancing.
So I was unsurprised to discover that dancing isn't the instant girl
pickup solution that the books all promised it would be. I *was* however
surprised to discover that dancing is... fun. Like, *really* fun. And I
don't even know why! o_O
I was also quite surprised to discover that dancing IS HARD! I mean, I
was expecting gliding gracefully around the floor while keeping in time
with the music as I tie my feet into elaborate knots to be hard. But
seriously, even the most seemingly trivial dance steps are astonishingly
hard.
Allow me to illustrate: It's week one. We are all gathered together
nervously waiting for our lesson to start. And the very first dance they
teach us is the Waltz. (That's the Slow Waltz or English Waltz to you.
Not to be confused under any circumstanecs with the Viennise Waltz or
Fast Waltz, which is very different!)
There are exactly 3 steps in the basic Waltz figure. Let me describe them:
First, you lift one foot off the ground, step forward, and place it back
on the ground. Think you can handle that? Now, with the other foot, you
step slightly to the side. Finally, you move your first foot again,
bringing your feet neatly together. You now repeat this entire manouver,
starting with the other foot. (Since 3 is an odd number, and the steps
are a strictly alternating sequence of left, right, left, right.)
[I make the simplifying assumption that everybody reading this is, in
fact, male. If you are male, you are the "leader" and you walk forwards.
If you are, in fact, female, you have the misfortune of being the
"follower". This requires you to walk backwards, do twirls, and
generally have all the most difficult steps in every single dance known
to man. Sorry about that...]
So, I repeat: One step forwards, one (smaller) step sideways, and
another step to bring your feet back together. Alternating between left
and right.
That's *it*. That's the whole thing. Pretty simple, eh?
...and I'm standing in a room like, like, 80 people in it, and NOT ONE
SINGLE COUPLE can actually pull it off! o_O
It sounds so damned simple, it's difficult to believe that anybody could
get it wrong. And yet nobody (including me) can get it right.
OK, actually that's a lie. I'm in a room with about 80 people, and we're
all stumbling around like drunk gnomes - EXCEPT for this one couple who
are elegantly gliding around the floor with effortless grace. Do you
think they've done this before? MUCH?? :-P
As an interlectual exercise, taking three steps in something resembling
a knight's move is trivially simple. As a physical manouver, it's
astonishingly tricky. The problem isn't even doing the steps; try it by
yourself, right now. It's not so hard. The *problem* is when you've got
a lady in your arms.
As soon as you have a partner, you can't see your feet any more. And you
sure as hell can't see hers! And you're both trying to step at the same
time, and step roughly the same distance. The steps are trivially
simple; forward, side, close; left, right, left, right. And yet, you
wouldn't believe how many people try to take two steps forward, or three
steps sideways. The most common screwup is to execute left, right, left,
and then try to start again with another left, right, left. Or to simply
forget WHICH FOOT YOU JUST MOVED!
You wouldn't believe that so many people could find this many ways to
screw up such an utterly simple dance, but they do. I'd love to be smug
here, but I was *useless* as well! Seriously. 80 people. Shuffling
around like drunk gnomes. It was a sight to behold.
As you continue trying to do it for longer, and gradually starts to get
easier. And that's where the fun kicks in. As soon as you start thinking
"hey, it's working! I can do this!", THAT is the exact moment when you
lose concentration and instantly **** up the next step. You have to
literally be 100% focused, not letting your mind wander for even a
second. As soon as you do, you go wrong again. You might not think so,
but concentrating 100% on something for more than, say, 20 seconds is
really very, very hard work!
If that had been the only dance we learned, I might not have come back.
But after that, we learned the Cha Cha Cha. Until quite recently, this
was my most favourit dance in the world.
I could tell you the steps, but I won't bother. Suffice it to say that
they're similarly simple. The point is, they're *fast*. It turns out I
like that. All of my favourit dances - the Cha Cha Cha, the Mambo, the
Rock & Roll - they're all fast dances.
I can tell you the steps, and you can turn them over in your mind and go
"yes, that's interesting". But dancing them is something else entirely.
There's just something deeply /satisfying/ about listening to a kickin'
tune blasting out, and flinging yourself around in time to the beat.
Hitting every note dead-center. Movin' to the groove.
Sometimes if I'm really going for it, I start to feel really, really
tired half way through the track. Normally if something is making me
tired, I stop doing it. But dancing is so much fun that I keep going
anyway, sometimes even if my muscles are complaining really quite
loudly. Afterwards I feel exhausted, and yet... exhilerated. ALIVE!
(Even though I feel like I'm dying!)
I guess as a nerd, I'm used to using my brain a lot. I'm used to sitting
back and analysing things. As a programmer I'm used to typing a lot, and
as a musician I'm used to doing things with my hands. But throwing your
whole body around to music, and to a strict set of rules rather than
some made-up whim, is both surprisingly challenging and unexpectedly
pleasurable.
If you've never tried dancing - I mean dancing with actual dance steps -
I suggest you try it, at least once. You'll be surprised how difficult
it is. Just thinking about it in your brain isn't good enough; you have
to actually move your muscles! And you have to be quick - you can't just
pause the music if you forget what the next step is, or you end up
standing on the wrong foot. But, like me, you might just find that it's
inexplicably enjoyable too...
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