>>> It also thinks its am MP3 player. I have no idea why. The sound quality
>>> of a 2mm speaker is, obviously, abysmal.
>>
>> That's what headphones or speakers are for.
>
> Riiight. So I can pay £40 or more for the headphones with the special
> phone-specific plug and listen to low-quality MP3 playback.

Most phones aimed at mp3 playback have either a standard 3.5mm jack or a 
cheap converter is available to 3.5mm (or even included in the box). 
The sound quality from a phone is in general no different from an mp3 
player, they are probably using identical circuits inside.  After all, a 
DAC that works up to 20 kHz is a walk in the park compared to all the 
rest of the electronics in the phone.

> Or I could, I don't know, use my MP3 player...

If you don't mind carrying around, charging and syncing an additional 
device, sure.

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