I just read the user manual. Man, that was fun!

First of all, all the diagrams are for a left-hand drive car. You think 
that doesn't matter? Well, the buttons on the central console are the 
other way around on a right-hand drive car. (E.g., the lock and start 
buttons are the other way around.)

Secondly, while the entire manual is in English (i.e., there are no 
sections for other languages in it like they sometimes do), none the 
less all the computer displays are still in French.

Thirdly, the manual contains endless instances of "if you have this 
option, press button A. Alternatively, if you have this other option, 
press button B." But which freakin option do *I* have?!

My favourit is the manual for the stereo system, which tells you how to 
load and unload CDs from the CD changer, but omits to mention WHERE THIS 
IS! (I have since discovered that I don't actually *have* one - contrary 
to the information given to me when I purchased the car.)

I spent 20 minutes trying to find the airbag disable switch on the 
passenger door before I figured out that when they switched the car to 
right-hand drive, they forgot to move the switch. So it's still on the 
right-hand side, it's just that that isn't the passenger side anymore!

And another thing. Does anybody remember when if you wanted to fit 
seatbelts, you just went to B&Q, bought some seatbelts, and bolted them 
to the car? Well of course *this* car has seatbelt pre-tensioners, 
force-limiters, front and side air bags, and who knows what else. So if 
you want to do *anything* to the seats or seatbelts, you have to get a 
qualified Renault engineer to do it.

Similarly, the battery. Want to replace the battery? No, you can't. It 
has a special vent port to vent the flammable gasses it produces. You 
have to buy a Renault-approved battery and have a technition fit it.

Want new tires or wheels? Well you can't just *replace* them; they've 
got tire pressure sensors in. (And they're colour-coded, because each 
wheel is unique so the computer knows which is which.) You need special 
equipment to replace the tires, and you can only fit Renault-approved 
wheels with the sensors in them.

Now manufacturers *always* want you to use their own parts. They make 
way more money that way. And I'm pretty sure that no matter what the 
manual says, putting non-approved engine oil into my engine isn't going 
to destroy it (provided that it's of the correct type). But it seems 
there are so many things on this car that require specialist equipment 
to work on.

You're supposed to get the crash sensors and air bag pyrotechnics 
checked annually - which can only be done by specially-trained Renault 
technitions with specialist equipment.

When you open the bonnet, all you see is a big sheet of plastic and "NO 
USER-SERVICABLE PARTS INSIDE". (And even here it still doesn't tell me 
WHICH FREAKING ENGINE I HAVE!) Some parts of the manual even tell you 
how to replace stuff, but say "due to how difficult it is to access 
these components, we recommend refering to a service technition". 
(Although it doesn't say *Renault* service technition at least!)

Then again, to replace the headlights, you have two options:

1. Unscrew a tiny plate in the wheel arc and stick two fingers inside to 
replace the mounting plate that holds the bulbs. The opening is about 
3cm wide.

2. Remove the entire front bumper assembly to get at the bulbs from the 
front.

Good thing I don't have the Xeon lights though - those have to be 
referred to a qualified service technition due to the high-voltage 
components inside. (Seeing a pattern here yet?)

And then there's the controls. I think I'm going to have to build a 
flowchart or something. Take one example:

The control for the wipers has 4 positions, A, B, C and D. In position 
A, the wipers are off. B is intermittent. C is normal speed, and D is 
fast speed. Unless your car is fitted with the automatic wipe option, in 
which case B is intermittent wipe depending on the amount of water detected.

[Don't you just love the way *you* have to know what the spec of the car 
is to figure out which instructions apply?]

Mine evidently has the automatic option, since it wipes every 20 
seconds, but now and then it suddenly starts frantically trying to file 
through the glass! o_O

Oh, but wait; read the rest of the manual.

When you stop the car, the wipers slow down. And when you move off 
again, they return to their original speed. Unless you move the controls 
while stopped, in which case the automatic slowdown feature is disabled 
and it acts like normal...

This is probably THE single most annoying feature. It's raining, you 
stop at some traffic lights, and suddenly you can't see ANYTHING. Or 
even worse, you stop at a busy junction, trying to find a gap to pull 
out into. This is THE MOST CRITICAL TIME to need to see what's around 
you, but no, your wipers have turned themselves off without your permission.

Unfortunately, it seems to be impossible to disable this highly 
dangerous behaviour - except by manually moving the controls as soon as 
you stop [or slow below 5 MPH, anyway]. There is apparently no way to 
make the wipers wipe at the speed you actually asked for. Because, hey, 
a blind computer obviously knows better than the human being trying to 
drive the vehicle safety. :-P

Still, at least the rear wiper actually works on this car. My old car 
had a fault where you'd press the button, and SIX MINUTES LATER, the 
rear would wipe. This car, on the other hand, just wipes 10% of the 
screen. You win some, you lose some. (I gather previous incriments 
didn't HAVE a wiper AT ALL - it's news to me that this is legal...)

A similar thing happens with the lights; they turn themselves on or off 
as they please. Apparently you can in fact turn them on even if the 
computer doesn't think it's dark, however. (You can't turn them off if 
it's dark - but that isn't really a safety issue.)

Now of course, the lights turn themselves off, not when you stop the 
engine, but when you open the door. So somebody has programmed in a 
feature [I forget how you select it] where the lights stay on for 30 
seconds after you lock the car. (They call it "guide me home" - 
presumably so you can see your front door or something...)

Ooo, check it out. I have floor storage! An-- uh, OK, I have a trapdoor 
leading into a box that's maybe 4cm deep. WORTH IT! Ooo, and the 
passenger side one has mould in it. Yay!

And the middle part of the back seat folds out into a table with cup 
holders. WTF?

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