On Mon, 01 Feb 2010 12:25:23 -0500, Warp wrote:

> Jim Henderson <nos### [at] nospamcom> wrote:
>> Very much so - I used to have problems like this myself; it is possible
>> to break the cycle, but it's not easy to do.
> 
>   As for me, I don't think I'm very shy. Not anymore at least. (Well, it
> depends on the definition of "shy", but if we define it as getting
> nervous about interacting with people, I don't have a problem with
> that.)

I don't know that it's "nervous" per se - more "hesitant".  I tend to 
dislike using the phone (I often will send my phone to voice mail rather 
than take a call - though usually that's because I'm in the middle of 
something and don't want to lose my train of thought).  Personally, I 
prefer written communications because I have a chance to think about what 
I'm going to say and to research my answer.

I really hate when people leave me a voice mail that is nothing more than 
name, number, and "call me".  I tend to reply via e-mail to those if I 
know the person's e-mail address.

>   Likewise if I need to go in person somewhere, I haven't had a problem
>   with
> that in a long time (even though in the past I was shier about it). Eg.
> if I have to go to some office or whatever to deal with something in
> person (eg. sign papers or whatever), I just go, no problem.
> 
>   However, all that is completely different from actually being able to
> socialize and engage in small talk. And it's enormously different from
> going to an unknown person with no specific reason, just to socialize.
> And yes, especially if that other person happens to be female.

It really is a different situation, absolutely.  It's like a coworker of 
mine said to me back when I was teaching - he described himself as an 
"extroverted introvert" - because when teaching, his personality actually 
changes pretty significantly.  I found that as well for myself - I often 
am a completely different person in front of a class or when doing a 
presentation.  I think it's about control, really, for me.  I always had 
trouble getting people back from break when teaching, but once I got in 
my groove, I could just teach and people would listen to me and interact 
in the class.

I even intentionally developed labs that involved discussion only; the 
guy who taught the class after me dropped them because he wasn't sure how 
to run them, but they worked very well for me - I think partly because I 
had significant hands-on experience with the technology I was teaching - 
that always helps with that sort of situation.

>   I don't know why, but for some reason it seems that people have
>   stopped
> approaching me as well, in social situations. When I was much younger
> (early 20's or such) people were much eager to start sporadic small talk
> for no specific reason than to socialize. Nowadays that just doesn't
> happen. I don't even remember when was the last time that someone wanted
> to socialize out of the blue with me in a social situation.

I don't remember the last time that happened to me either, but that could 
largely be because I don't do that kind of social activity very often.  
If I'm out now, it's with my family and not by myself (or with coworkers 
and not by myself if it's a work-related function).

>   I wonder if it's the age. Is looking well over 30 some kind of natural
> repellent for people? They are not interested in a mid-aged man as much
> as they are in a younger one?

As Darren said, it might be children-related, because they do take up a 
lot of time.  I started late with my stepson (he was 9), and it's still 
amazing to me how much of my time was involved in school and other 
activities - and I didn't mind it at all.

>   If there is indeed such a psychological phenomenon, it only aggravates
> the chronic loneliness problem.

I could see that, yes.

Jim

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