Orchid XP v8 wrote:

> Stefan Viljoen wrote:
> 
>> You WILL fail. Sooner or later. Somebody WILL die (they have on my watch)
>> and you will just have to deal with it. The trick is doing your best,
>> always, even at risk of your life, or loss of it. At least if you HAVE to
>> loose a patient or your own life, loose it after putting up the a hell of
>> fight and doing the best you could have done.
>> 
>> I had to face this when I lost some friends operationally in the fire
>> service. For months afterward I castigated myself, should I have done
>> this, said this, done that, warned them... eventually I realized the
>> simple fact was I had done my very, very best, and NOTHING I could have
>> done more would have saved them.
> 
> Doesn't work.
> 
> No matter how hard you tried, there's always something you could have
> tried harder, something you could have done different, if only you had
> done X instead of Y, maybe they'd still be alive... No matter how much
> you know, rationally, that there's nothing more you could have done, the
> knowledge of "if I did X, they would still be alive" will taument you
> for the rest of eternity...

Maybe for you, I guess it depends on your personality. 

Which I guess is why you are psychologically evaluated before being accepted 
as a recruit into the fire service (at least in the days when I was involved 
with emergency services in South Africa).

Note I was a -dispatcher- - i. e. strictly speaking my job was NOT to charge 
into burning buildings - most of the time. We did cross train though (always 
a good idea to know as much about this stuff as possible) and I did have to 
go into some exciting situations in the field - when we were short-staffed 
or there was a huge incident. In that way we differed from American 911 
operators for example - I was physically in the fire station, and cross-
trained in at least the basic firefighting and paramedical disciplines. Just 
in case you had to help out. Real 911 operators often never even see the 
people they dispatch. 

But the mental stuff remains very much the same, and I simply did not 
experience the level of torment you seem to think is involved when your 
shift or unit (or "watch" in British terms) inevitably take casualties.

Note that this is NOT a criticism! Its perfectly okay to feel the way you 
do, and it is perfectly okay not to want to be associated with or get into 
those kinds of situations.

But I'm convinced if you do not, you are missing out on at least one (or 
two) of the most basic, wonderful things about being a human - facing danger 
with together good, brave comrades, being part of something extreme special 
and unique, and doing real and  good things for the good of your community 
and society. Thing that matter and make a difference.

If you do anything besides this, you can often ask yourself "do I make a 
difference? Is what I am and do worth it?"

If you have served in the fire and emergency services, this doubt and 
question is forever removed from your life.
-- 
Stefan Viljoen

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