Invisible wrote:

> Improve your system performance by up to 40% with Diskeeper.

Why only 40%?

If your system isn't fragmented at all, a defragger will have 0% impact 
(in the best case; more likely a slight negative impact while it's 
running). If you system is highly fragmented, 400% or 4,000% might well 
be plausible.

> Today's servers must cope with escalating demands to process bandwidth 
> and volume sizes without bottlenecking.

I'm pretty sure "bottlenecking" isn't an actual verb. It's a noun. Also 
"process bandwidth and volume sizes"? Was this written by a 5 year old? 
Or are they just trying to cram as many technical-sounding words into it 
as possible to Clueless CEO will think this is a hip and happening 
product? Certainly anybody who knows WTF fragmentation actually is 
should be raising an eyebrow at this point.

> It is literally impossible to do 
> this effectively without the ability to dynamically eliminate 
> fragmentation as Diskeeper is designed to do.

Well, given the nebulous meaning of "process bandwidth and volume 
sizes", I couldn't say whether I'm doing it or not. But I doubt it's 
"impossible" at all. :-P

> Microsoft Windows servers run faster and more reliably with Diskeeper 
> and stay that way without needing any intervention from the IT 
> Administrator.

Oh really?

Faster, possibly. More reliably? How do you figure that one?

> The Breakthrough of Invisible Software
> 
> InvisiTasking's truly transparent background processing technology 
> allows Diskeeper 2009 to defragment your computer in real time, 
> completely eliminating long, resource-hogging, productivity-robbing 
> maintenance processes.

This is clearly written for Mr Clueless CEO. Look at the language: 
resource-hogging, productivity-robbing maintenance. Oh how terrible! 
Will somebody PLEASE think of the children?!

> Key Features:
> 
> - InvisiTasking(r)

This is a key feature?

This is a registered trademark??

> - Complete file and free space defragmentation.

Given that this is the product's ONLY PURPOSE FOR EXISTING, one would 
hope so, yes.

> - I-FAAST(r) 2.0 (Intelligent File Access Acceleration Sequencing 
> Technology) automatically boosts access speeds for the most commonly 
> used files.

You can *so* tell that I-FAAST is an acronym purposely chosen to spell 
"fast". I can almost see the Dilbert strip now...

"Sir, this is crap."
"But... but... it says FAST on it! It must be FAST!!"

> - Terabyte Volume Engine(tm) 2.0 (TVE) eliminates the rapid 
> fragmentation build-up that occurs in high capacity and high traffic 
> 24/7 servers that handle hundreds of thousands to millions of files 
> (e.g. NAS, RAID, and SAN).

Terabyte Volume Engine? (That's a trademark??) What, because if it 
doesn't say "terabyte" on it, it's not as good?

What difference does it make how many files it handles? Either there's 
contiguous free space available or there isn't. Doesn't matter how many 
files there are.

Ah, and gotta throw in a little technobabble like NAS, RAID ans SAN 
(they're all the same class of thing, right?) so that Clueless CEO knows 
that every SAN needs to have Diskeeper.

> - Fragshield(r) 2.0 boosts reliability and availability by automatically 
> preventing crash-inducing fragmentation of critical system files.

Ah-hah, here we have the culprit: They're trying to suggest that file 
fragmentation "induces" system crashes. By this simple fabrication, they 
can claim that their performance improvement tool is in fact a 
*reliability* improvement tool. As in, if you don't have this, your 
systems will be unreliable and cost you money! Oh noes!!

> Diskeeper 2009 Professional
> 
> Designed for the typical office PC user, Diskeeper 2009 Professional 
> includes advanced protection against performance problems for PCs and 
> Laptops.

It is unclear whether this "advanced protection" against "performance 
problems" includes something beyond simple disk defragmentation. Maybe 
they mean I-FAAST, or perhaps they mean it does other things such as 
data prefetch to RAM or something? Hey, maybe it was a "registry 
optimiser" feature? (Remember those?)

> Diskeeper Pro Premier
> 
> Specially designed for high-end systems and power users! Get an EXTRA 
> performance boost above and beyond anything you have ever experienced 
> before - even better than when your system was new!

Pro Premier? Well, *this* is the puppy then, right?

Oh, well, if it gives me EXTRA performance... (Note the original advert 
uses caps rather than italics. It's a printed ad, they could easily use 
italics, or boldface, but they used caps. Nice.)

Wow, "beyond anything you have ever experienced" - sounds impressive, 
eh? [The sysadmin inside me is screaming IT'S A DEFRAGGER!!]

"Even better than when your system was new"? Well, the last Acer I 
bought was fragmented to hell when it was new; it's improved 
considerably since then. (Could be partially due to Vista doing weird 
stuff like indexing and prefetching and God knows what else...)

> Diskeeper Enterprise Server
> 
> Efficiently defragments volumes from 100GBs up to and exceeding 20 
> terabytes at maximum speeds with new Titan Defragmentation Engine (TDE), 
> the most powerful engine ever built.

Again I find "100GBs" to be grammatically dubious. Ditto "maximum 
speeds". And "the most powerful engine ever built"? What is it, a car? 
This thing moves data around; what's to be "powerful" about it?

Basically, from this assessment, it is impossible to tell how Enterprise 
Server is any different from the other products, other than perhaps that 
they've tested it on really large volumes.

But hey, I'm not the target audience, am I? This is clearly aimed at 
clueless n00bs who will buy anything with enough management power-speak 
in the product litrature.

As I say, reading this makes my inner computer nerd want to shriek LIES! 
LIES! THE CAKE IS A GODDAMN LIE!!! >_<

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