On Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:31:25 +0100, Invisible wrote:

>>      It's not until they decide that they've grown up enough to handle
>> 'life' and want to do their 'own thing'. Problem is, they soon come
>> back when in trouble, (and they will be), but then it's too late, the
>> damage has been done.
> 
> If I ever had children, I would try to be the best possible parent. But
> I would do it with the certainty that I'm doing it all completely wrong,
> and I have ruined my child's life as a result. I'm not sure I could live
> with that kind of guilt.

None of us gets an instruction manual on how to be a parent.  All kids 
are different, so there isn't a "this way works best for everyone".  If 
you do the best you can, that's all anyone can ask (about anything, not 
just parenting) - those that do, well, they can go f--- themselves.

> Being a parent just seems like an impossible task. If you're too strict,
> they grow up with no self-confidence. If you're not strict enough, they
> grow up as out-of-control runaways. If you restrict them too much, they
> won't learn independence. If you don't restrict them enough, they'll be
> spoilt brats. Every time anything bad happens to them, you have the
> pleasure of knowing it's probably your fault. You get to waste endless
> hours worrying about them.

I started parenting with my stepson when he was 9.  I missed all the 
diapers and sleepless nights with an infant, but I think that makes it 
harder rather than easier.  I still don't feel I did a good job, even 
though Ken identifies me as his "assistant dad" (though his biological 
father was largely out of the picture until he turned 18).

The thing about the choices you list above (being too strict/not strict 
enough) is that it varies depending on situation and the kid's age.  
Telling Ken he couldn't have some ice cream until after he finished his 
dinner was fine when he was 11.  When he was 17, not so much so, because 
he'd grown in his independence and his ability to make sound decisions.

He recently had a problem at work (he works at a hostel doing scheduling 
stuff) and is afraid that job is now over after only a week because he 
made a mistake.  Does this reflect on me?  Not really.  Does it reflect 
on an employer having unrealistic expectations of someone who's been on 
the job a week?  You're damned right it does.

Does that mean I don't worry about him?  No.  That's part of the job of 
being a parent:  being concerned for your child's well-being.  Being 
there for them to support them when things aren't going so well.

> And at the end of it all, you get your reward: We don't need you. You
> were a rubbish dad anyway. Goodbye.
> 
> Like I said, a stressful and thankless task. :-(

Not at all.  Ken turns 21 in a few weeks; he still lives at home (he's at 
the local university when school's in session), and when I'm working from 
home, he frequently comes by and gives me a hug for no reason; he still 
comes in and kisses us goodnight before going to bed.

Jim

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